


yesterday, i was eager to see what awaited

by Anonymous



Series: a feeling's not a thing you own [7]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Gen, Hospitalization, Suicide, oh no it's a character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 19:17:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21150848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Nobody in the hospital had really acknowledged the Sides.Then Thomas had his second psychological examination.





	yesterday, i was eager to see what awaited

**Author's Note:**

> i just realised that this is. this is a character study, isn't it. i've been delving into all of these ways to explore these characters. that's a character study, right? damn it
> 
> anyway my rsd was accidentally triggered by the person who teaches me and my dog agility and i almost had a meltdown so i've spent like six and a half hours tapping this out i guess. a good part of it was spent trying to find out adri's pronouns and then i gave up. i watched the sensory deprivation video, is what i mean
> 
> con! tent! war! nings! here they are: The Same As Usual. remus-typical gore, but less than usual. the delicate balance between sides as individuals and as thomases and how that affects the world around them. blatantly incorrect assumptions about the american healthcare system in regards to suicide attempts, because i'm english

Nobody in the hospital had really acknowledged the Sides until Thomas had followed Dr. Faber into his office for his second psychological examination.

The first doesn’t really count, to be honest. Joan had just left, and Thomas had been really drained, so everything was kind of… _Hazy_. He’d been fully checked out. The doctor had spoken, and all Thomas had heard was his brain saying _Remus_ and _Roman_ until they were the same word.

The second time, he sits in the chair in the too-large room, with calming art and diagrams of the brain hanging on the walls, and stares at the doctor.

“You are Thomas Sanders, correct?” he asks.

This time yesterday, Thomas had probably said, _“Yeah,”_ and nothing else. This time yesterday, though, he was wearing a hospital gown and the underwear he’d worn when he’d tried to kill himself.

Today, he’s wearing his Steven Universe t-shirt and a pair of his loosest jeans, both of which Adri and Camden had dropped off when they visited as soon as visitors were allowed. They said that Joan had cleaned up the bathroom, and that most of his friends had gone around the house, systemically finding and removing anything poisonous or pointy.

Today, he saw how many lives his death would affect.

Today, once again, he says, “Yeah.”

“Alright, and you are here due to an attempted suicide, yes?”

“Is this all going to be you asking leading questions that you obviously know the answer to?” Virgil snaps. “Because, just saying, that time would be better spent lying in bed, waiting to be released.”

Logan rises up on Virgil’s left, saying, “Don’t be ridiculous. Thomas needs to speak to a professional in order to sort out his mental health problems. Hopefully, by working with this doctor, we can find a better fit for his medication than the SSRI that has sent him into manic states.”

After scribbling something down in his notes, Dr. Faber asks, “Excuse me, Thomas, but… Who are these people?”

Thomas looks from Logan to Virgil, then from Virgil and back to Logan, then from Logan to Dr. Faber, then from Dr. Faber to Virgil, then back to Dr. Faber.

It takes about a minute before he answers, pointing to each Side in turn. “Virgil and Logan. They’re my Anxiety and Logic.”

“Your anxiety and logic?” Dr. Faber repeats. “Are they the only parts of your personality abstracted from you, or are there more?”

“He’s judging us,” says Virgil.

Thomas shakes his head. “No, there’s six Sides in total that I know of.”

He sees Logan adjust his glasses, and the way that he inhales softly through his bared teeth, which isn’t really the most familiar expression to find on Logan’s face.

“Five,” he says. “There are five Sides that you are aware of, Thomas.”

Roman and Ethan appear nearly simultaneously to Thomas’s right side. The first thing Ethan does is take a step closer to Thomas while removing a glove, so he can massage his scalp and play with his hair in that comforting way he does. Roman, however, stays where he is, raising an eyebrow at the doctor without any other change in his expression.

“This is Ethan, and this is Roman,” says Thomas, slowly, as he leans in towards Ethan’s touch.

Dr. Faber nods. “And do Ethan and Roman embody any aspects like your Logic and Anxiety?”

Thomas thinks for a moment before he nods back.

“Can you tell me what those aspects are?” asks Dr. Faber.

And, well…

Roman is Creativity, right? But, the thing is, Thomas hasn’t been feeling creative recently, and Roman hasn’t been as… Roman-y. Ethan is easier to sort out though, because he’s barely been deceptive at all. Probably.

“To name us as merely what aspects we go by would be inaccurate, if not fully incorrect,” says Logan. “For example, while Virgil does embody Thomas’s experience of anxiety, he is also the aspect of Thomas’s personality that enjoys spooky things such as Hallowe’en and horror, not to mention his fondness for My Chemical Romance.”

“Truly said like someone who doesn’t fanboy over Danger Days.” Ethan’s voice reverberates in his chest, and Thomas feels the vibrations against the side of his head.

“As a part of Thomas,” Logan continues, slightly more pink-faced than Thomas thinks he was before. “Virgil also controls the fight-or-flight reflex.”

“Yeah, but that’s pretty tied in with the whole Anxiety thing.” If Logan’s face is pink, then Virgil has graduated to becoming a full-time tomato, though it fades a little as he speaks. “I find problems and I make you guys solve them. If there’s an immediate problem that can’t be solved by one of you, I work on instinct.”

“Those are two pretty different things,” says Ethan. “You’re far more than anxiety, Virgil.”

Even though there’s no trace of irony or sarcasm in Ethan’s voice, Virgil flinches back, all the same.

“If you’re still curious, Roman is half of Thomas’s Creativity, and, before all of _this_-” Logan waves his hand around, tracing a little circle in the air with his slightly extended index finger. “-Ethan went by Deceit.”

“So you’ll forgive me if he’s making me _even more pissed off_,” adds Virgil, his tone pointed.

“Yeah, but, everything’s different, now,” Thomas says. “I’m pretty sure that Ethan’s more, like, keeping me calm, you know?”

Virgil groans. “You don’t need to _remind_ me about what’s changed, when _you_ literally just forgot that _he’s_… Gone.”

“By _‘he’_, are you referring to the other half of Thomas’s Creativity?” asks Dr. Faber.

Roman lets out a cackle. “I wish!”

He goes to say something else, but he’s cut off by the sound of Remus screaming.

“That’s the other half,” says Logan, gesturing from the streak of silver in Remus’s hair to the crocs and fishnet stockings made of actual fishing net on his toes. “Remus, also known as the Duke, also known as Intrusive Thoughts.”

“Intrusive _thot_,” Remus snorts.

“Please ignore him to the best of your ability,” says Logan. “His purpose is to be a disturbing, distracting nuisance.”

“_Two D’s_! At _once_!” While he exclaims that, Remus bounces on his toes and points at Logan. “You remember how much I love it!”

“I did not remember, and I have been cruelly reminded,” Logan sighs.

Dr. Faber blinks. “Two D’s?”

“I just love some good ol’ D! One D, two D!” Then, his voice twists into something a little deeper, and his delightedly twisted grin turns leery. “I’ll take as many as I can, you know. Wanna try?”

Thomas’s mouth falls open in disgusted dismay. _Damn it, more D_!

“Please don’t flirt with the doctor,” Thomas groans.

“Remus, if you make this more difficult than it needs to be, I will not hesitate to silence you,” Ethan enunciates clearly.

With the grin back, Remus replies, “Try it, bitch! I’m a Side of Thomas, too. I deserve to be here while this Faber guy picks apart his brain! Oh, but can you imagine that, though? Is the brain, like, a solid thing, or are all of the tube thingies separate? Can you shake brains out like intestines, is what I mean.”

Thomas is fairly certain that he looks even more distressed than before.

“You said that an aspect had _gone_,” says Dr. Faber. “Can you tell me who that aspect was?”

In some kind of narrative story, wherein drama was played out fully and catharsis was reached, this would be a moment wherein the characters would make significant eye contact, and begin the first step of healing from grief by speaking about their lost loved one. Thomas kind of expects that to happen, because Roman and Virgil have often worked together to build dramatic tension. they’re both pretty good at it.

“Oh, yeah, that’s Patton,” says Remus. “Morality. He’s dead.”

Dr. Faber’s eyes widen imperceptibly. “You have no morality?”

Thomas flinches. His stomach feels kind of like he’s swallowed slugs, or like in _Chamber of Secrets_ where Ron pukes up all those slugs, or that his stomach _is_ a giant slug.

It’s gross.

Logan sighs, running a hand through his fringe. “This is why I wanted to make it clear that our roles are more than our name. When Virgil does something that he deems _bad_ or _wrong_, he feels upset as a result of that action. I understand that when Thomas gets better, he will regret it if he acts in a way he would consider _immoral_. I like to follow rules. Ethan likes philosophy. A lack of morality, as you’re concerned about, isn’t an issue.”

“Then what is?” the doctor asks.

“Patton is…” Thomas swallows, hoping the little saliva in his mouth will soothe his dry throat. “Patton was the Side that held the core of my emotions, and my short-term goals.”

“Imagine, Dr. Faber, if you will,” says Ethan, his voice smoother than Thomas’s has been in ages. “Your metaphorical heart begins to fade away. Happy movies don’t make you feel happy. Sad songs don’t make you feel sad. You call upon the part of yourself that holds those feelings, and nobody responds. There’s nothing that makes you want to eat your favourite food, or even just _any_ food, _period_. And, then, it gets worse. Without short-term goals, long-term goals seem more distant. You begin to believe that you’ll never achieve any of your dreams, because all of them are far too abstract. If you can’t bring yourself to sing the simplest melody, how can you perform the most wonderful solo? There’s no reward in creating anything, so you give up. Your ego, your self-worth; it’s all suffering under the weight of what you’re feeling, or, rather, what you’re _not_ feeling. Nothing means anything. The only thing that you feel can end it is, well, _ending it_.”

There’s a beat of silence, where Ethan holds Thomas’s hair between his fingers in a way that would be painful if their hair hadn’t grown so much. As it is, it just feels calming.

Dr. Faber blinks at him. “I saw in your notes that you have been diagnosed with depression, Thomas. Is this the form that it took?”

Thomas gives a thumbs up.

“Would you say that your current medication is working?”

Bewildered, Virgil exclaims, “Do the words _‘attempted suicide’_ mean _nothing_ to you?”

“Thomas has experienced at least one episode of what I believe is medically referred to as ‘mania’. In addition, there have been a couple of episodes of binge eating, though I’m uncertain as to whether those were manic in the medical sense or otherwise,” says Logan. “Not to mention, there have been several other side effects, such a-”

“Also, he’s just been really sad,” Virgil adds.

Logan points at Virgil and nods. “Fine. Also, he’s just been really sad. Yes. I would indeed say that citalopram is not the medication for Thomas.”

Dr. Faber writes something else down in his notes. “I’d be inclined to agree. When did you first note any negative effects the citalopram had on Thomas?”

“Roughly three days after he began taking it,” mutters Logan, still loud enough to be clearly heard.

“That’s four months ago, isn’t it?”

Logan fixes Dr. Faber with a stare. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you seek help beforehand?”

Roman interrupts, this time. “Because what’s the point?”

“Because Thomas needs to get better!”

Neither Logan nor Ethan seem like they’d intended to speak at the same time. Thomas looks between the two of them, and how they both stare at each other, before his eyes settle on Roman.

While Thomas had abandoned the hospital gown as soon as he had the opportunity to do so and also maintain his dignity, Roman is still dressed in it, with its repetitive pattern of circles around crosses, but his jeans have been switched out to match Thomas’s.

“You’re not thinking right, are you?” Roman snorts a little bit, like an aborted attempt at a laugh. “Patton’s _dead_. How often have we said that? _Patton _is dead. How many more times is it going to take until you understand?”

“We can rebuild; reform,” says Logan. “We are all evolving beings, as parts of Thomas. We just need to figure out our new equilibrium.”

Roman lets out an actual laugh at that. “You really are a heartless bastard, aren’t you?”

“We all share Thomas’s biology.” Logan adjusts his glasses. “And if you’re referring to Thomas’s metaphorical heart, then, _yes_. That is, in fact, why we’re all here.”

“But being here won’t change the fact that Patton is _dead_.” Roman steps closer to Logan. “You do know what ‘being dead’ is, right? It’s _you_, _inside_. Your metaphorical heart as an individual Side of Thomas is cold and shrivelled and _dead_. _I_ can work logically, and Deceit can work morally, and Virgil can be creative, when it really gets down to it, but all you do is robot your way through life!”

Logan holds his hand out, palm facing upwards, as if questioning Roman’s existence before him.

“And yet, I’m not the one who tried to kill him.”

At that, Remus lets out his first vocalisation in a while. It’s a very long, _“Ohh!” _while he looks progressively more intrigued. “Lolly-boy’s starting some shit now!”

“Metaphor,” Ethan interjects towards Logan quickly.

Logan nods in thanks, before turning back to Roman and Remus. “I am not starting any metaphorical shit. I am simply saying that, out of all of us sides, Roman was the one who purchased the medication used in Thomas’s suicide attempt, and he is also the only one who was awake and present alongside Thomas at that time.”

“You’re forgetting that he made a fake Patton to try and make us all think Thomas was okay,” Virgil adds.

Dr. Faber looks to Thomas from where he has been scribbling down notes at a rate faster than anyone really had a right to be able to write at.

“Is this normal?” he whispers, moving his lips a lot more to convey the meaning if the words got lost.

Thomas stares for a moment, before nodding and shrugging.

“Is it not your ‘sworn duty’ to help Thomas achieve his hopes and dreams?” Logan’s voice is sharp and vicious, and it’s pointed at Roman like the tip of his sword. “How is _killing him_ supposed to help with that?”

There’s an astounded, unhappy grin on Roman’s face, and he shakes his head as he says, “I thought you were the smart one. This entire time, I thought you were the smart one, but you’re actually a complete idiot.”

Thomas doesn’t realise that Ethan’s hand is still in his hair until it’s gone to rest on his shoulder, fingers clamping down on the softness beneath his collarbone. Virgil’s face is chalk-white, and Thomas can feel those heavy eyes boring into him in cold horror.

Logan blinks. “I don’t understand.”

“You’re all really good at denial!” Remus giggles. “Hats off to you, Deedee! Oh, wait, I don’t have a hat.”

Remus pulls off his scalp from the hairline, waves it around, and bows. If he could have found it in himself to look away from the gory display, Thomas would have. But, nope. That’s going to be etched into his mind forever.

Scalp returned to his head, Remus says, “My dearest brother’s purpose is to help Thomas to achieve his hopes and dreams. It’s like you all want to believe that Thomas doesn’t want to die!”

Oh.

Yeah.

“Is this true?” Logan asks, looking directly at Thomas.

His insides squirm, like worms that want to eat their way out of his body, through his guts and out of where he pisses and shits and right up out of his mouth. Everyone’s watching him. Not for the first time, Thomas would really like the ability to sink out like the Sides, but, _no_, he just _has_ to be the non-metaphysical centre; the one that is somehow supposed to be all of these personality-filled Sides at once, in a single human who doesn’t feel anything but hollow emptiness.

“Thomas, is this true?” asks Logan. His voice is soft. He hesitates, when he asks, as gently as he can, “Do you want to die?”

If he speaks, it’ll be real. Even if he denies it, it’ll be real. And, no matter what, every side of him knows, now. There’s no going back.

He nods.

* * *

Most of the assessment is done after the Sides have sunken out.

* * *

“So.”

“Yeah.”

Thomas fiddles with the paper bag that contains his new course of medication, ready to start after a week on suicide watch with Joan and Talyn.

He’d told the two of them that he could go to his parents’, or to one of his brothers’ places, but there was a look in their eyes, and he couldn’t say ‘no’. Virgil had agreed that it was the best move, because no matter how much he loves his parents and they love him, if Thomas had to go back to his childhood bedroom, he might not ever leave again.

If he goes to his own bedroom, Thomas can’t guarantee that he’ll ever leave again. Well, alive, anyway. At least, with Joan and Talyn, the urge to kill himself might be a little more stifled by basic politeness.

And, well, he couldn’t find it in his heart to not go with the two of them. Not after Talyn had held him, even though Thomas could tell that they were in more physical pain than usual. Not after he’d seen Joan’s face after Logan had recounted the events of the psychological assessment to them.

So, once more, Thomas sits in a car, staring out of the window and hearing the sounds of his Sides argue with each other as they all try and cram into the three seats at the back. He hears a list of side-effects from Virgil, and Ethan trying to dispute the severity of them, while Remus backs up all of Virgil’s worst ideas.

Logan hasn’t spoken for a while. Neither has Roman. He's not even sure if they're there.

If either of them go, too, then Thomas doesn’t think that anything, not even blue skies, would stop him from killing himself, next time.


End file.
